When I was 13 I thought going to Africa was when my life would truly happen, when God's plans would all start to make sense, when I would officially find my place. As I sit in this airport wearing my wrinkled t shirt, cargo pants, and chacos (I'm pretty sure most of the UK thinks I'm wearing my PJ's, they aren't big on casual wear it seems) life is not what I thought it would look like on my way to Uganda. My mind feels quite scattered, my head hasn't caught up with my heart, and I am asking God to help me make sense of things. It doesn't make sense that God would ask me to go. I'm not worthy, surely not the most qualified, and since I'm being quite honest...I feel very small. Of course, all of these things are also pretty common with followers, that's why we follow, we don't know how to do this whole life thing on our own. God is showing me, he has already revealed so much, and I know my life will continue to be wrecked, re-arranged, put back together for His GLORY. HALLELUJAH.
We are in the London airport right now, waiting to fly out. We certainly brought a lot of luggage, but my gut feeling is that I left my extra tunic and sandals at home. It's just us and God. I can be a little shaky and nervous, but when I sit still on the plane and close my eyes, I know I'm in the right place. I know that when I look at the mission in front of us that it looks impossible, I know that we are small, I know that I have so much to learn, I know my life is about to change drastically, I know everything will not be as I pictured it. And that's cool.
Thank you for all your prayers. I am excited to set up house and meet with my brothers and sisters in Uganda again. I am excited to walk alongside them as we do this thing called life and as we learn more about Jesus together. I am excited to tell my friends and family their stories so we can make the world more of a family instead of a lot of borders and far off places. I love you guys. Here we go.
"For you shall not go out in haste, and you shall not go in flight, for the LORD will go before you, and the God of Israel will be your rear guard." Isaiah 52:12
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
I don't wanna be a missionary.
The past few days have flown by. Packing, getting more medical supplies in, seeing people that I won't see for the next 6 months, reminding myself that, "yes this is in fact real life, and yes, you are moving to Africa with your best friend." It's all a quite hard to wrap the mind around.
People ask if I'm excited, and I am... don't get me wrong, but it just feels like life and God moving my heart closer to His (which is always quite adventurous). The thing is I realized something today- I don't wanna be a missionary. Because for some reason in the church we like to designate people with these titles like "OK, he is a preacher so his job is to preach the word." or "OK, she's a missionary so her job is to help those less fortunate." All the while what are the rest of us? Bystanders? Or, waiting on their true calling?
I'm not here to rant about how "selling all your possessions and giving to the poor" is very literal. They have plenty of books that go into these issues (quite good books I might add!). I have just found myself very confused these past few days because the more I fall in love with God, the more I see the world for what it is.
Someone said to me today- "You can't change the world...you may change little things, but you cannot change the whole situation." Amen. I can't. The radical love of Jesus can. The reason my spirit is groaning at this very moment is because for many of us Christians (myself on so many occasions) we look at the world around us and do one of two things. We read the word of God and are changed dramatically and infinitely when we read things like- "My will be done on earth as it is in Heaven," we think "well people won't be sex trafficked or dying of thirst in Heaven, so lets get little girls and boys out of the sex trade and thirsty people water." Or, we read the word (or don't) and think "Well, I just haven't found my calling yet." and" that stuff is just not for me."
The love of Jesus can change the world. The thing is each and every one of us has a choice. We can sit and watch and wait. Or, we can give someone something to drink. Of course it isn't easy rescuing people from slavery or ending kids dying from starvation or dehydration. These are all big issues that the government takes statistics on. We even ask God how could he let us get in such bad shape. Maybe He is asking us the same thing.
We can continue to get mad at those Christians that "Make all of the rest of us feel bad just cause we aren't going off to some foreign country." Or we can look out of our front door and find thirsty people. We can ask God to show us how to serve. The thing is sometimes it's not easy, and we aren't good at it, and we don't know where to start. That's OK, it's actually expected. God is really good at helping out the weak, the not so eloquent, the slow of speech and tongue people. It's actually kind of His thing.
I don't want to be labeled a missionary. I want to be a Christian. I want to have the Father's heart. I want to follow. I never want to doubt how BIG God is and how powerful His Spirit is that abides in me. There are days when we look at the world and wonder how it could possibly change. I don't want to try and fit the gospel into my comfortable life. I want the gospel to wreck my life more and more. When my mind doubts, I ask for the mind of Christ. When I start to hear all the people telling me to join the real world, I get homesick for the Kingdom and start to ask God to bring me back.
When we give thirsty people living water, we start to feel more at home.
35" For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’" Matthew 25:35-36
People ask if I'm excited, and I am... don't get me wrong, but it just feels like life and God moving my heart closer to His (which is always quite adventurous). The thing is I realized something today- I don't wanna be a missionary. Because for some reason in the church we like to designate people with these titles like "OK, he is a preacher so his job is to preach the word." or "OK, she's a missionary so her job is to help those less fortunate." All the while what are the rest of us? Bystanders? Or, waiting on their true calling?
I'm not here to rant about how "selling all your possessions and giving to the poor" is very literal. They have plenty of books that go into these issues (quite good books I might add!). I have just found myself very confused these past few days because the more I fall in love with God, the more I see the world for what it is.
Someone said to me today- "You can't change the world...you may change little things, but you cannot change the whole situation." Amen. I can't. The radical love of Jesus can. The reason my spirit is groaning at this very moment is because for many of us Christians (myself on so many occasions) we look at the world around us and do one of two things. We read the word of God and are changed dramatically and infinitely when we read things like- "My will be done on earth as it is in Heaven," we think "well people won't be sex trafficked or dying of thirst in Heaven, so lets get little girls and boys out of the sex trade and thirsty people water." Or, we read the word (or don't) and think "Well, I just haven't found my calling yet." and" that stuff is just not for me."
The love of Jesus can change the world. The thing is each and every one of us has a choice. We can sit and watch and wait. Or, we can give someone something to drink. Of course it isn't easy rescuing people from slavery or ending kids dying from starvation or dehydration. These are all big issues that the government takes statistics on. We even ask God how could he let us get in such bad shape. Maybe He is asking us the same thing.
We can continue to get mad at those Christians that "Make all of the rest of us feel bad just cause we aren't going off to some foreign country." Or we can look out of our front door and find thirsty people. We can ask God to show us how to serve. The thing is sometimes it's not easy, and we aren't good at it, and we don't know where to start. That's OK, it's actually expected. God is really good at helping out the weak, the not so eloquent, the slow of speech and tongue people. It's actually kind of His thing.
I don't want to be labeled a missionary. I want to be a Christian. I want to have the Father's heart. I want to follow. I never want to doubt how BIG God is and how powerful His Spirit is that abides in me. There are days when we look at the world and wonder how it could possibly change. I don't want to try and fit the gospel into my comfortable life. I want the gospel to wreck my life more and more. When my mind doubts, I ask for the mind of Christ. When I start to hear all the people telling me to join the real world, I get homesick for the Kingdom and start to ask God to bring me back.
When we give thirsty people living water, we start to feel more at home.
35" For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’" Matthew 25:35-36
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
The In-Between
You know that spot that you can get yourself into sometimes, it's like this time period of "I did this thing, and now I'm waiting on the next thing." I think I found myself in that "in between" spot today. I did the whole college thing, I'm waiting to take my boards so I can go ahead and have that RN after my name, then it's off to TEAMeffort, then back to Uganda for what I'm sure will be an amazing, life-changing 6 months. I have always been sort of a restless person. I love that restlessness when God has put it there. When God sets a fire down so deep in your soul it sets everything else in your life on fire. It makes you want to see more of this God that has brought you so far from the lifeless person you once were. It's not an anxious feeling, it's a peaceful longing. I also know sometimes it's just Katie being restless. Me being restless for the next adventure. I don't like that restless feeling because it begins to infect the very things that God is trying to show me.
I was reading in Philippians today and was very challenged by Paul (how could you not be). Paul is being held in the Roman prison, in chains for Christ. As I read I wondered what I would feel like in that position. Would I feel stuck? Would I feel in between places that I would really like to be? Would I just be waiting?
Instead Paul is rejoicing. He is in action. He is rejoicing because he knows he's not stuck. Far from it, he is right where he is supposed to be. The walls of that prison weren't restricting Paul, they were magnifying Gods grace, all the while blessing the palace guard and Paul. I mean the dude that is literally holding Paul in captivity is starting to see the light in Paul. He's curious, maybe even a little freaked out. Whatever the guards thought, they knew Paul was different.
"Now I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel. As a result, it has become clear throughout the whole palace guard and to everyone else that I am in chains for Christ." Phil 1:12, 13
I know that for myself, and that for many of my friends we can feel like we are between events in our lives. That can be a boring place. I suppose it can also be a terrifying place if we don't really know what's next. All I know is this- there is no "in between" with God. He is always on the move and I don't want to be so stuck on my own small plans in the future that I miss out on what he is doing NOW. Right here in this small town. Right here in this house I grew up in. Right here. Right now. The future will come soon enough, if I've learned anything over the past 4 years it's that time moves fast.
I want to be like Paul and not miss out on the chance to be friends with a prison guard. I want to be confident in my God that wants to show me more of his GLORY. He want's to open my narrow mind to see what's right in front of me. He took me out of the "in between" today and put me in the wonderful here and now. It's a challenge for sure. I guess a challenge is good cause it means God is doing things and you better hold on tight. I guess it is sort of like an adventure, and I like adventures.
"Oh God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you." Psalm 63:1-5
"Better what the eye sees than the roving of the appetite. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind." Ecc 6:9
I was reading in Philippians today and was very challenged by Paul (how could you not be). Paul is being held in the Roman prison, in chains for Christ. As I read I wondered what I would feel like in that position. Would I feel stuck? Would I feel in between places that I would really like to be? Would I just be waiting?
Instead Paul is rejoicing. He is in action. He is rejoicing because he knows he's not stuck. Far from it, he is right where he is supposed to be. The walls of that prison weren't restricting Paul, they were magnifying Gods grace, all the while blessing the palace guard and Paul. I mean the dude that is literally holding Paul in captivity is starting to see the light in Paul. He's curious, maybe even a little freaked out. Whatever the guards thought, they knew Paul was different.
"Now I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel. As a result, it has become clear throughout the whole palace guard and to everyone else that I am in chains for Christ." Phil 1:12, 13
I know that for myself, and that for many of my friends we can feel like we are between events in our lives. That can be a boring place. I suppose it can also be a terrifying place if we don't really know what's next. All I know is this- there is no "in between" with God. He is always on the move and I don't want to be so stuck on my own small plans in the future that I miss out on what he is doing NOW. Right here in this small town. Right here in this house I grew up in. Right here. Right now. The future will come soon enough, if I've learned anything over the past 4 years it's that time moves fast.
I want to be like Paul and not miss out on the chance to be friends with a prison guard. I want to be confident in my God that wants to show me more of his GLORY. He want's to open my narrow mind to see what's right in front of me. He took me out of the "in between" today and put me in the wonderful here and now. It's a challenge for sure. I guess a challenge is good cause it means God is doing things and you better hold on tight. I guess it is sort of like an adventure, and I like adventures.
"Oh God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you." Psalm 63:1-5
"Better what the eye sees than the roving of the appetite. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind." Ecc 6:9
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Never thought I'd do that...
Today that phrase has been a constant echo in my head...
"I'm graduating with a nursing degree...never thought I'd do that..."
"I get to work on a reservation in South Dakota this summer...never thought I'd do that..."
"I'm moving to Uganda in September...never thought I'd do that..."
I know the list is longer, but who wants to hear all that? I look back at my life a year ago and things looked very different. My life was "normal," "acceptable," and seemed all right to me. God loves me so infinitely, immeasurably much that he decided to wreck all my worldly plans. I have never felt so vulnerable or free in my entire life. I have never felt so out of place in a world that's not my home, and I love it.
I also never thought I'd be starting a blog. I am excited to write about what God is doing in little towns around the U.S. as well as the streets of Uganda (when I get there). After all, these fields are found everywhere and when we find them, and really see what we are being offered, we don't just put it to the side and get to it later. We don't wait to get older, or wait for a more convenient time... we sell everything and buy that field where the treasure is hidden.
At some point you will probably look back and say- "I never thought I would do such a thing." The cool part about that phrase is...nope, you probably wouldn't, but Jesus would, and I'm excited about adventures that aren't my own.
"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then IN HIS JOY went and sold all he had and bought that field." Matthew 13:44
"I'm graduating with a nursing degree...never thought I'd do that..."
"I get to work on a reservation in South Dakota this summer...never thought I'd do that..."
"I'm moving to Uganda in September...never thought I'd do that..."
I know the list is longer, but who wants to hear all that? I look back at my life a year ago and things looked very different. My life was "normal," "acceptable," and seemed all right to me. God loves me so infinitely, immeasurably much that he decided to wreck all my worldly plans. I have never felt so vulnerable or free in my entire life. I have never felt so out of place in a world that's not my home, and I love it.
I also never thought I'd be starting a blog. I am excited to write about what God is doing in little towns around the U.S. as well as the streets of Uganda (when I get there). After all, these fields are found everywhere and when we find them, and really see what we are being offered, we don't just put it to the side and get to it later. We don't wait to get older, or wait for a more convenient time... we sell everything and buy that field where the treasure is hidden.
At some point you will probably look back and say- "I never thought I would do such a thing." The cool part about that phrase is...nope, you probably wouldn't, but Jesus would, and I'm excited about adventures that aren't my own.
"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then IN HIS JOY went and sold all he had and bought that field." Matthew 13:44
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