When I was 13 I thought going to Africa was when my life would truly happen, when God's plans would all start to make sense, when I would officially find my place. As I sit in this airport wearing my wrinkled t shirt, cargo pants, and chacos (I'm pretty sure most of the UK thinks I'm wearing my PJ's, they aren't big on casual wear it seems) life is not what I thought it would look like on my way to Uganda. My mind feels quite scattered, my head hasn't caught up with my heart, and I am asking God to help me make sense of things. It doesn't make sense that God would ask me to go. I'm not worthy, surely not the most qualified, and since I'm being quite honest...I feel very small. Of course, all of these things are also pretty common with followers, that's why we follow, we don't know how to do this whole life thing on our own. God is showing me, he has already revealed so much, and I know my life will continue to be wrecked, re-arranged, put back together for His GLORY. HALLELUJAH.
We are in the London airport right now, waiting to fly out. We certainly brought a lot of luggage, but my gut feeling is that I left my extra tunic and sandals at home. It's just us and God. I can be a little shaky and nervous, but when I sit still on the plane and close my eyes, I know I'm in the right place. I know that when I look at the mission in front of us that it looks impossible, I know that we are small, I know that I have so much to learn, I know my life is about to change drastically, I know everything will not be as I pictured it. And that's cool.
Thank you for all your prayers. I am excited to set up house and meet with my brothers and sisters in Uganda again. I am excited to walk alongside them as we do this thing called life and as we learn more about Jesus together. I am excited to tell my friends and family their stories so we can make the world more of a family instead of a lot of borders and far off places. I love you guys. Here we go.
"For you shall not go out in haste, and you shall not go in flight, for the LORD will go before you, and the God of Israel will be your rear guard." Isaiah 52:12
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
I don't wanna be a missionary.
The past few days have flown by. Packing, getting more medical supplies in, seeing people that I won't see for the next 6 months, reminding myself that, "yes this is in fact real life, and yes, you are moving to Africa with your best friend." It's all a quite hard to wrap the mind around.
People ask if I'm excited, and I am... don't get me wrong, but it just feels like life and God moving my heart closer to His (which is always quite adventurous). The thing is I realized something today- I don't wanna be a missionary. Because for some reason in the church we like to designate people with these titles like "OK, he is a preacher so his job is to preach the word." or "OK, she's a missionary so her job is to help those less fortunate." All the while what are the rest of us? Bystanders? Or, waiting on their true calling?
I'm not here to rant about how "selling all your possessions and giving to the poor" is very literal. They have plenty of books that go into these issues (quite good books I might add!). I have just found myself very confused these past few days because the more I fall in love with God, the more I see the world for what it is.
Someone said to me today- "You can't change the world...you may change little things, but you cannot change the whole situation." Amen. I can't. The radical love of Jesus can. The reason my spirit is groaning at this very moment is because for many of us Christians (myself on so many occasions) we look at the world around us and do one of two things. We read the word of God and are changed dramatically and infinitely when we read things like- "My will be done on earth as it is in Heaven," we think "well people won't be sex trafficked or dying of thirst in Heaven, so lets get little girls and boys out of the sex trade and thirsty people water." Or, we read the word (or don't) and think "Well, I just haven't found my calling yet." and" that stuff is just not for me."
The love of Jesus can change the world. The thing is each and every one of us has a choice. We can sit and watch and wait. Or, we can give someone something to drink. Of course it isn't easy rescuing people from slavery or ending kids dying from starvation or dehydration. These are all big issues that the government takes statistics on. We even ask God how could he let us get in such bad shape. Maybe He is asking us the same thing.
We can continue to get mad at those Christians that "Make all of the rest of us feel bad just cause we aren't going off to some foreign country." Or we can look out of our front door and find thirsty people. We can ask God to show us how to serve. The thing is sometimes it's not easy, and we aren't good at it, and we don't know where to start. That's OK, it's actually expected. God is really good at helping out the weak, the not so eloquent, the slow of speech and tongue people. It's actually kind of His thing.
I don't want to be labeled a missionary. I want to be a Christian. I want to have the Father's heart. I want to follow. I never want to doubt how BIG God is and how powerful His Spirit is that abides in me. There are days when we look at the world and wonder how it could possibly change. I don't want to try and fit the gospel into my comfortable life. I want the gospel to wreck my life more and more. When my mind doubts, I ask for the mind of Christ. When I start to hear all the people telling me to join the real world, I get homesick for the Kingdom and start to ask God to bring me back.
When we give thirsty people living water, we start to feel more at home.
35" For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’" Matthew 25:35-36
People ask if I'm excited, and I am... don't get me wrong, but it just feels like life and God moving my heart closer to His (which is always quite adventurous). The thing is I realized something today- I don't wanna be a missionary. Because for some reason in the church we like to designate people with these titles like "OK, he is a preacher so his job is to preach the word." or "OK, she's a missionary so her job is to help those less fortunate." All the while what are the rest of us? Bystanders? Or, waiting on their true calling?
I'm not here to rant about how "selling all your possessions and giving to the poor" is very literal. They have plenty of books that go into these issues (quite good books I might add!). I have just found myself very confused these past few days because the more I fall in love with God, the more I see the world for what it is.
Someone said to me today- "You can't change the world...you may change little things, but you cannot change the whole situation." Amen. I can't. The radical love of Jesus can. The reason my spirit is groaning at this very moment is because for many of us Christians (myself on so many occasions) we look at the world around us and do one of two things. We read the word of God and are changed dramatically and infinitely when we read things like- "My will be done on earth as it is in Heaven," we think "well people won't be sex trafficked or dying of thirst in Heaven, so lets get little girls and boys out of the sex trade and thirsty people water." Or, we read the word (or don't) and think "Well, I just haven't found my calling yet." and" that stuff is just not for me."
The love of Jesus can change the world. The thing is each and every one of us has a choice. We can sit and watch and wait. Or, we can give someone something to drink. Of course it isn't easy rescuing people from slavery or ending kids dying from starvation or dehydration. These are all big issues that the government takes statistics on. We even ask God how could he let us get in such bad shape. Maybe He is asking us the same thing.
We can continue to get mad at those Christians that "Make all of the rest of us feel bad just cause we aren't going off to some foreign country." Or we can look out of our front door and find thirsty people. We can ask God to show us how to serve. The thing is sometimes it's not easy, and we aren't good at it, and we don't know where to start. That's OK, it's actually expected. God is really good at helping out the weak, the not so eloquent, the slow of speech and tongue people. It's actually kind of His thing.
I don't want to be labeled a missionary. I want to be a Christian. I want to have the Father's heart. I want to follow. I never want to doubt how BIG God is and how powerful His Spirit is that abides in me. There are days when we look at the world and wonder how it could possibly change. I don't want to try and fit the gospel into my comfortable life. I want the gospel to wreck my life more and more. When my mind doubts, I ask for the mind of Christ. When I start to hear all the people telling me to join the real world, I get homesick for the Kingdom and start to ask God to bring me back.
When we give thirsty people living water, we start to feel more at home.
35" For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’" Matthew 25:35-36
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